I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
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