You really coming over, don't trick.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
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