I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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