He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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