I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
sex in a hospital.. check
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
