Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess