I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes