She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.