he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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