he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
