Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
