I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
