Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.