if i can run in heels then i can drive
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....