i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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