I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
