Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
