I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
