Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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