I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
