she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
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you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
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But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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