There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
