Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
