I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
