If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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