I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
