don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
