I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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