Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
