ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
