Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
