my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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