I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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