You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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