We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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