Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
