Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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