I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
