so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
