I swear god or herbie drove my car home
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
