Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
