so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
