My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
