I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
