You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
