I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
