my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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