I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
