Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
