my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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