When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's blow job season.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
