My liver just broke up with me...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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