I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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