but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
