I wish my penis had an off switch
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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