I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Randomize
