so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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