Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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