I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
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Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
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I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
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But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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