I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
